As soon as I passed and got ready to diss the rich kids who,it turned out, failed; it was time to compete with peers who just never had to worry abt transport to get home after knocking off at 23:00, cos the quest for excellence
took all my energy.
As soon as I got ready to show those suckers my car and flat, it was time to become the consultant who was the first one to arrive and last to leave.
As soon as I got to figure out who drives which car in the parking lot (so i could brag), it was time to start an even shorter contract at another client.
Then I was ready to brag to other consultants, but it was time to setup my own business and mind my customers' needs.
It seems life is out to frustrate my agenda cos now I keep needing to diversify and keep up with all kinds of trends and dodge all kinds of risk. All of a sudden, bragging is not even important cos the only competition worth winning seems to be against myself. Nobody fails because I win and nobody wins because I fail. It seems everyone is in their own competition in which the outcome doesn't define winners against losers but time and chance happens to everyone.
I thought winning would earn me victory over losers, but with the benefit of hindsight, I find that winning means staying in the race my heart chose and - hurdle by hurdle, false start after false start - become the thing that always eludes me. That light at the end of the tunnel, it seems, is me; and victory is the measure of how well I pull myself into the light. And then it'll be time to go. Not to be judged against anyone but my own conviction.
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